My Gramps, my fathers father, passed away yesterday night around 8:30 at 90 years old. I got to go and see him over the weekend to say my goodbyes, which I am glad for. In reality I had been saying my goodbyes for years.
To be quite honest I don't do well at all with people aging. There aren't many things in life that I shy away from, but watching someone I love fade away is very difficult for me. I think this is likely because I can't do anything about it to understand it, or change it and honestly is scares me. On the other hand my brother seemed to be a rock. Comforting my Gramps, rubbing his chest and hands as he lay there making the transition from life to death. That is a kind of bravery I could never muster and I envy him that. I could barely say 3 words out loud to him without choking up. But I said what I needed to and I hope he knew I was there.
The last time I really truly remember my Gramps being the Gramps I knew and loved was at my wedding. He was witty, strong (for an 85 year old man), kind, loving and most of all, insightful with his own brand of humor. That was his trademark in my opinion. Providing commentary on life via wit. After that event it seemed each time I saw him he remembered a bit less, lost a bit more of his spark, and seemed to fade more and more into the background. As he would say: "Getting old is not for sissies" and "Dont you know getting sick is not healthy for you?".
I never lived close to my Gramps and Baba. That ultimately meant I saw him 2-3 times a year every year. Usually they would come to Fresno for my birthday, then we would go to LA for Passover, and then there would be the occasional wedding, bar/bat mitzvah, graduation, funeral etc. that would bring us together. I think I probably saw him around 100 times over the course of my life. But the magic of a grandparent means that even though I saw infrequently in the grand scheme of things, he still carved a deep and unique place in my heart with letters, emails, phone calls and the depth of his affection.
It's that Grandparent magic. And maybe the distance made it even more magical to tell you the truth. My time with my Gramps was always untempered with the grind of the day to day. We would get ice cream, he would tell me silly jokes, preach my accomplishments with embarrassing praise, watch silly movies, smother me with kisses (when I would let him), tell me stories, sneak me 5 dollar bills and tease me. And so it went. I know this man lived over 90 years of life. This means he had all of the stress and trials and weights that any of us have out there in the world but to me, you would never know it. Our time was pure joy. Our conversations consisted of how much I loved him, how much he loved me, and how proud he was of me. And that was okay. What other relationship in the world could support that kind of consistent narrative? None. That is the beauty of the Gramps.
There were plenty of times I was curious to know more about Gramps and what he truly thought about things. My parents and even some other cousins got that side of him but I never really did. Sometimes this made me feel like I didnt really know him and that bothered me. But in the end, I have realized what we had was beautiful and perfect just as it was. He loved me, I loved him. And we both knew it. In the context our our relationship I now realize absolutely nothing else mattered.
So, if you have a Grandparent still alive, if you are a grandparent now, keep in mind how finite your connection with your counterpart is in life. There are only so many people in the world who can provide unconditional, untempered, uncomplicated love. Nurture that and it will pay you both back in ways you won't realize until many years later.
I love you Gramps, I will continue to miss you and the feeling you always gave me that I could do no wrong, and I was the smartest girl you ever knew. You always gave me a bit of confidence in life with your words and I will carry that with me always.
I hope you have much peace where you are and as I promised you when I said goodbye, I will convince all the children and grandchildren I have in my lifetime that horse feathers are, in fact, real. When I retorted to Annie the other day "Oh Horsefeathers" she looked at me incredulously and said, "Mommy! Horses DON'T have feathers, they have fur and skin" it could not have been more perfect. The circle of life continues.
I love you.
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Here is a video I just love of my Gramps Baba and I. We get to hear his trademark horse feathers line and really appreciate Gramps humor. http://www.thehellerhome.blogspot.com/2008/09/horse-feathers.html
